Zombies Don't Celebrate: 8 Holiday Poems Read online

  They weren’t quite living

  They weren’t quite dead.

  Their faces were ghostly

  With worms in their hair;

  As their groaning and grating

  Filled the night air.

  “W-w-why are you smiling?”

  I stammered with fright;

  As the dead came to life

  On this warm July night.

  “Don’t worry,” said Johnny

  As he held out his arm.

  “They’re totally harmless;

  No need for alarm.”

  “Then why are they trying

  To chew on my brain?”

  He heard as I shouted

  He heard me exclaim.

  “It won’t hurt a second,”

  My ex-boyfriend said.

  “And then we’ll both be

  The living dead!”

  “But you’re not a zombie,”

  I said with a frown.

  “I’ve seen you eat cookies!

  I’ve seen you get… down!”

  He chuckled so dryly

  It gave me a chill;

  As the smell from the zombies

  Made me quite ill.

  My boyfriend just stood there

  And wiped off his face;

  And under white makeup

  I saw his disgrace.

  His skin was quite ashen

  His face it was gray;

  As from his cold hands

  He washed his makeup away.

  “I’ve been an imposter,”

  He said, full of glee.

  “These zombies you’re afraid of

  They’re much more like… me.”

  He lurched at me boldly

  As I ran away;

  Grabbing his backpack

  As I made my big play.

  Now it all made sense

  Now it was clear;

  Why my dead bloody boyfriend

  Had first brought me here.

  It wasn’t to make-out

  It wasn’t to mack;

  He’d almost set me up

  For a zombie attack!!

  The zombies were closing

  How quickly they ran;

  As I dodged past a grave stone

  And bent to my plan.

  The bottle rockets sizzled

  At the end of my lighter;

  As I fired at those zombies

  And became quite a fighter.

  They firecrackers boomed

  The bottle rockets hissed;

  And as their bodies caught fire

  Man, were they pissed!!!

  They burned just like timber

  Those living undead;

  As their hair turned to ashes

  And their skin turned quite red.

  My boyfriend did howl

  As the rockets they blared;

  His eyes were wide open

  He looked more than scared.

  “I thought that you loved me,”

  He croaked his last breath;

  As the cherry bomb in his mouth

  Sent him straight back to death!

  I strode from the graveyard

  Alone and quite single;

  As with the holiday crowds

  I started to mingle.

  They’d heard not a whizz

  Or a snap or a boom;

  As I wiped out the zombies

  And saved them from doom!

  And all through the fireworks

  I “ooohed” and I “aaahed”;

  To think that my boyfriend

  Had been such a… fraud.

  And as I walked home

  From that long, fateful night;

  I shook with much fury

  I trembled with fright.

  I just couldn’t get it

  No, nothing could calm me;

  To think that I’d dated

  A living dead... zombie!

  * * * * *

  Zombies Don’t Trick or Treat

  The zombies were out

  For a fun, festive night;

  They were goblins and ghouls

  And witches in sight.

  Over there was a demon

  His legs warm as toast;

  Down that street’s a pumpkin

  Down that one’s a ghost.

  No, it wasn’t Armageddon

  Or a monster’s pot luck;

  It was the one mortal night

  That didn’t quite… suck!

  That’s right, little ghosties

  It was… Halloween;

  The creepiest, crawliest

  Living dead scene!

  Poor Chester was frightened

  He was new to this town;

  And ever since dying

  Poor Chester’d been down.

  He wasn’t quite used

  To being undead;

  If he had his way

  He’d be living… instead.

  His friends liked being zombies

  They found it quite cool;

  But all Chester felt

  Was like one giant fool!

  He hated his hairdo

  He hated his skin;

  He hated the fact

  That he could no longer grin.

  His legs they were stiff

  His arms were quite chilly;

  And stumbling around

  Just made Chester feel… silly.

  Tonight might be different

  Poor Chester agreed;

  As he watched other kids

  Look as foolish as he.

  For each one looked goofy

  For each one looked grim;

  For each one looked not

  Quite much better than… him!

  “But where are they going?”

  He asked of a bud;

  Who looked at him like

  He had the IQ of a spud.

  “They’re all trick or treating,”

  Was the answer he gave;

  “Or have you forgotten,

  Since you rose from the grave?”

  “I seem to recall,”

  Little Chester did say;

  “Of begging for candy

  On Halloween day.”

  “Let’s give it a try,”

  His buddy made it sound like a cinch;

  “Chocolate’s not as good as brains

  But it’ll do in a pinch.”

  Chester shrugged

  And followed his friend;

  As they shuffled and groaned

  Up the long driveway’s end.

  The lawn was festooned

  With orange and black;

  The setting quite ripe

  For a zombie attack!

  The young man who stood

  At his cozy front door;

  Thought the zombies on his porch

  Wore costumes; nothing more.

  He smiled,

  They shuffled;

  He sniffed

  And he snuffled.

  “I quite love your costumes,”

  He said with a smile.

  “But your breath I smelled coming

  For more than a mile!”

  When the man tried to offer

  A bowl full of candy;

  All Chester could smell

  Was his brain oh-so-dandy.

  He reached for the bowl

  But dropped it instead;

  And as the man bent to catch it

  Clamped onto his head.

  “But why?” asked the man

  Squealing in pain;

  “Why bother with candy,” Chester said

  “When my treat is… your brain!”

  * * * * *

  Zombies Don’t Gobble

  The table was set

  The candles aglow;

  When at the front door

  Three zombies did show.

  “Who could that be knocking?”

  Poor Mother did pout.

  “Probably Mindy’s boyfriend,”

&n
bsp; My Father did shout.

  “I’ll see who it is,”

  I said to them all.

  As I skittered and shimmied

  To see who did call.

  The door it did open

  My heart it did shudder;

  My legs felt just like

  A bowl of whipped butter.

  “Brains!” said one zombie

  “Your Brains!” said another;

  “It’s turkey or nothing,”

  Blared my big, nosy mother.

  I held my breath tight

  As they studied my skull;

  Then each rolled an eye

  To find it… quite dull.

  I felt almost rejected

  As they brushed me aside;

  And toward our Thanksgiving table

  Each zombie did stride.

  The zombies they shuffled

  Straight up to the bird;

  They left quite a smell

  Like a three-week old turd!

  They reached out their hands

  To tear off a leg;

  Mom said, “Sit down you three;

  And don’t make me beg!”

  I figured they’d tear her

  One limb from another;

  But those zombies seemed –

  Quite scared of… my mother!

  In no time they listened

  In no time they sat;

  And wore napkins in their collars

  In two seconds flat!

  My family sat watching

  The zombies devour;

  A 20-pound turkey

  In less than an hour.

  They gnawed on the wishbone

  And guzzled down gravy;

  Their behavior was almost

  Well… downright… behave-y!

  Mom smiled and cheered

  As they refilled each plate;

  It didn’t seem to bother her

  That none of us ate.

  And when there was nothing

  To swallow or chew;

  The zombies looked happy

  Or at least far less… eeeewwwww!

  My family sat frozen

  Quite glued to our seats;

  Until Zombie One burped

  And sputtered, “Good eats!”

  They rose without speaking

  As we covered our brains;

  They turned and shuffled out

  Leaving only grease stains.

  I stood at the door

  To see where they’d gone;

  And watched three stuffed zombies

  Shuffle down our front lawn.

  “It sure looks to me,”

  I said with a tweet.

  “Like they’re going away;

  Like they’re crossing the street!”

  “Now that they’re gone,”

  Mom said with a grin.

  “Our real Thanksgiving dinner

  Can finally begin!”

  Dad helped clear the table

  Sis set it again;

  As I asked Mom about

  Her backup turkey plan.

  “Why everyone knows,”

  She grinned from ear to ear;

  “To cook a second Thanksgiving dinner

  When zombies are near!”

  * * * * *

  Zombies Don’t Jingle

  We caroled on Elm Street

  We caroled on Oak;

  Yes, I’d have to say

  We were caroling folk!

  We sang ‘til our voices

  Were scratchy and sore;

  Then swallowed a cough drop

  And sang 10 songs more!

  The snow felt so chilly

  On our bright, singing faces;

  As we shuffled around

  In brightly lit spaces.

  The houses were decked out

  So merry and gay;

  As we caroled and sang

  All night and all day.

  Our noses were frosty

  As we rounded Pine Street;

  Struggling to stand

  On our achy, sore feet.

  “One more then we’re finished,”

  Pastor Carol did boast.

  “Then it’s back to the rec hall

  Where it’s warm as fresh toast!”

  We started to sing

  That old Silent Night;

  When the door burst wide open

  And gave us a fright!

  Three zombies came stumbling

  Out the Harrington’s door;

  Dripping our neighbor’s blood

  All over the floor.

  Those zombies they saw us

  And gave quite a start;

  And the smell that came off them

  Was worse than… a fart!

  It reeked quite of death

  Of rot and decay;

  Not things one should smell

  On a bright Christmas Day!

  Their teeth were quite yellow

  Their eyes were pure red;

  And the gray of their skin

  Made it clear they were… undead.

  I wanted to bolt

  I wanted to run;

  But the zombies were hungry

  For some holiday fun.

  I turned to find seven

  Shuffling up to my back;

  And six more stumbled over

  To wage their attack.

  Our church group was surrounded

  Our future quite grim;

  Until I croaked out a suggestion

  To good Pastor Jim.

  “The end is quite certain,”

  I said with a frown;

  “But I’d like one more carol

  Before we go down!”

  The zombies were inching

  Getting ready for a fight;

  When our voices sang steady

  Of that first… Silent Night.

  We sang to the rooftops

  We sang to the rafter;

  Not caring a whit

  For what might happen… after.

  I waited each minute

  For a crunch or a bite;

  For the gnawing to start

  On this non-Silent night.

  But the zombies stood still

  And drooled on their feet;

  As our singing and caroling

  To them was... quite sweet.

  The song it did end

  And the zombies all clapped;

  Sue Briggs tried to run –

  In no time she was trapped.

  Before we could sing

  Before we could try;

  They ripped her to pieces

  And sucked her bones dry.

  We all stood there trembling

  As they wallowed in gore;

  Until I haltingly suggested

  That we best sing… one more!

  With each Christmas carol

  The zombies they sighed;

  But each time we stopped

  The next caroler died!

  We sang and we sang

  That long Christmas day;

  Until the last zombie

  Just… drifted away.

  “We still have three songs left,”

  The last caroler said.

  Then I looked all around

  To find my friends… dead.

  The street was quite empty

  The town deadly still;

  I stepped on a finger

  It gave me a chill!

  I wandered for hours

  Until it was night;

  And found no survivors

  Nope, not one in sight.

  On the far edge of town

  I heard quite a grumbling;

  Like the groaning and retching

  Of a hundred stomachs rumbling.

  I still had my elf cap

  Fixed tight to my head;

  As I approached the zombie gathering

  With fear and with dread.

  They stood there and waited

  Gore stuck in their teeth;


  As I crept up toward them

  As neat as a thief.

  I stood there before them

  And sang Oh, Christmas Tree;

  Though each inch of my body

  Wanted to flee.

  They smiled and shuffled

  They burped and passed gas;

  But no mattered how hard I tried

  They would not let me pass.

  I settled in and gave them

  The show of the year;

  Grinning and smiling

  In spite of my fear.

  Their bellies were hungry

  But the carols were soothing;

  Even if my neighbors’ bones

  They were chomping and toothing.

  I wasn’t afraid

  Oh no sir, not me;

  I sang without falter

  I sang loud… with glee.

  I knew I’d be safe

  From this living dead throng;

  At least until I came

  To the very last song…

  * * * * *

  Zombies Don’t Pop

  I’d never liked parties

  At the end of the year;

  Since it meant back-to-school time

  Was drawing more near.

  But this year was different

  As the clock did ding-dong;

  And out of the graveyard

  Bodies soon were long gone.

  They roved and they wandered

  As midnight drew near;

  It was clear they were shuffling

  Why, right over… here!

  The dead had arisen

  From their burial plots;

  I’d say there were dozens

  I’d say there were lots!

  Their movements were jerky

  Their feet they did scrape;

  But the street was too crowded

  To make my escape.

  Our party was outside

  As the confetti flew;

  And the revelers shouted

  As the party it grew.