King Toot: 101 Revolting Rhymes for Little Monsters Read online

King Toot:

  Revolting Rhymes for Little Monsters

  By Rusty Fischer, author of Upon Halloween

  * * * * *

  King Toot

  Rusty Fischer

  Copyright 2014 by Rusty Fischer

  * * * * *

  This is a work of fiction. All of the names, characters, places and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.

  Disclaimer: The lesson plans suggested in the “Bonus Chapter” of this book are meant merely as a guideline in your home or classroom. Try them out first to see if they are appropriate for your class level or age group. For that matter, preview the poems in this collection to make sure they are appropriate for your “little monster” as well.

  Cover credit: © get4net – Fotolia.com

  * * * * *

  Author’s Note:

  The following is a FREE Halloween poetry collection edited by the author himself. If you see any glaring mistakes, I apologize and hope you don’t take it out on my poor little monsters, who had nothing to do with their author’s bad grammar!

  Happy reading… and Happy Halloween!

  Enjoy!

  * * * * *

  Introduction

  It struck me recently, as I was writing yet another Halloween poem for little ones, how much fun I had trying to find words that rhymed with, oh, you know… snot and boogers and snot and fart and gas and poop and snot. (Did I already say snot?)

  I did, I know, but… it’s just such a great word. And so I got the idea to try and write a few dozen poems that were, well… gross. Grody. Silly. Rude. Crude. Gassy, not quite classy, and totally fun!

  In a word: revolting!

  And here they are: dozens of Revolting Rhymes for Little Monsters! I hope you enjoy one or two, or four or five, or a dozen or more, or hopefully ALL of them with your little monster.

  And if you’re a teacher, or know one, or a parent, or know one, and just want to use these poems to inspire your students or kids to enjoy poetry more often, or even write their own, I’ve even included a bonus chapter called “31 Spooky Ways to Bring Halloween Poems to Life” to help you do just that.

  And you don’t have to wait for Halloween to read these “revolting rhymes,” or teach a few lessons. Little monsters are everywhere, all year long!

  Happy Halloween,

  Rusty Fischer

  * * * * *

  King Toot:

  Revolting Rhymes for Little Monsters

  Goblin boogers…

  Goblin boogers,

  Werewolf spleen;

  What monsters give

  On Halloween!

  * * * * *

  Wolfman farted…

  Windows blown out,

  Driver cussed;

  Wolfman farted

  On the bus!

  * * * * *

  Say goodbye…

  When a bat

  Flies in your hair;

  Say goodbye to

  Clean underwear!

  * * * * *

  Brain fruit…

  Brains, brains,

  Not quite fruit;

  But they sure make

  Zombies toot!

  * * * * *

  When monsters sleep over…

  When monsters sleep over,

  Don’t be so surprised;

  When the Wolfman makes off,

  With one of your thighs!

  * * * * *

  Farty party…

  The ghosts were all grumbly,

  And the werewolves quite farty;

  At Dracula’s annual

  Halloween slumber party!

  * * * * *

  On Witch Road…

  Eye of newt

  And leg of toad;

  Trick or treating

  On Witch Road.

  * * * * *

  Bathroom break…

  For mummies this

  Is not an issue:

  Running out of

  Toilet tissue!

  * * * * *

  Monster appetizers…

  Piles of bat droppings

  And ghost poop;

  Monsters love ‘em

  By the scoop!

  * * * * *

  And to all a good night…

  Visions of arteries

  Danced in their heads;

  As the vampires slumbered

  Tucked in their beds…

  * * * * *

  Monster Party…

  The Monster Party

  Ended early.

  (Wolfman got

  A little surly.)

  * * * * *

  Witch tea…

  One pinch of arsenic,

  Two of wart dust;

  A little more poison?

  Why yes, it’s a must!

  * * * * *

  Good monster…

  The monster seemed lovely,

  Gentle and sweet;

  Little did I know,

  I was his “treat”!

  * * * * *

  Witches in the kitchen…

  Hair of horny toad,

  Pinch of fresh allspice;

  Add a few fresh boogers

  Stir it once or twice.

  * * * * *

  Monster’s ball…

  The bat flew down,

  The witch threw up,

  Too much potion

  In their cup!

  * * * * *

  Lost in translation…

  Croak and slobber

  Stomping feet;

  Monsters saying,

  “Trick or treat!”

  * * * * *

  Vampire High…

  Halloween dance,

  Sure was a dud;

  Too much garlic

  Not enough blood!

  * * * * *

  Kissed a witch…

  Kissed a witch,

  On Halloween;

  Now my lips

  Are neon green!

  * * * * *

  That’s no witch…

  Moldy teeth and

  Forehead blister;

  That’s no witch,

  It’s just my sister!

  * * * * *

  New underwear…

  Howls and shrieks,

  Fill the air;

  Time for some

  New underwear!

  * * * * *

  Bare dare…

  Trick or treat,

  If you dare;

  Wearing just

  Your underwear!

  * * * * *

  Creepy compliments…

  Your skin is green,

  Your nose is bent;

  To witches it’s

  A compliment!

  * * * * *

  Poor Fred…

  Frankenstein

  Once lost his head;

  Borrowed one

  From a kid named Fred.

  * * * * *

  One left foot…

  Frankenstein

  Once lost his shoe;

  (Of course, his foot

  Was in there, too!)

  * * * * *

  Nose toes…

  Frankenstein

  Once lost his nose;

  Replaced it with

  A couple toes!

  * * * * *

  Knee glee…

  Frankenstein

  Once lost his knee;

  Borrowed one

  From little old me!

  * * * * *

  Never take candy from a werewolf…

  Goblin boogers,

  Franken-snot;

  Gee, Wo
lfman,

  Thanks a lot!

  * * * * *

  Wolfman shedding…

  Cupcakes covered

  With brown hair;

  Wolfman shedding

  Everywhere!

  * * * * *

  Fred…

  Kept my pumpkin,

  Named him Fred;

  Now he’s rotting

  Beneath my bed.

  * * * * *

  Two left feet…

  Monster lurches,

  Down my street;

  Frankenstein has

  Two left feet!

  * * * * *

  Not snot…

  Crunchy crust and

  Slime that glistens;

  Mention “snot” and

  No one listens!

  * * * * *

  Cut the cheese…

  Frankenstein once

  Cut the cheese;

  Lost one butt cheek

  And both knees!

  * * * * *

  On Zombie Street…

  Check for fingers

  And cold feet;

  When seeking treats

  On Zombie Street!

  * * * * *

  Monster treats…

  Here’s my haul,

  After one hour:

  Boogers sweet and

  Snot so sour!

  * * * * *

  No room in there…

  Costume’s tight,

  No room in there;

  For pesky things

  Like… underwear!

  * * * * *

  Boxers or briefs…

  According to the

  News reports;

  Monsters prefer

  Boxer shorts!

  * * * * *

  Bad timing…

  Skin of green

  And tongue of blue;

  Not my costume,

  Just the flu!

  * * * * *

  Secret recipe…

  Monster sweat and

  Goblin slime;

  Add a dash of

  Cauldron grime.

  * * * * *

  Lunch rush…

  Road kill stew and

  Vulture guts;

  Drives the goblins

  Extra nuts!

  * * * * *

  Runny tons…

  Toilet filling

  By the tons;

  Wolfie went and

  Got the runs!

  * * * * *

  On Halloween…

  Six rows of teeth,

  Nose warts of green;

  Everyone’s welcome,

  On Halloween!

  * * * * *

  Bless shoe…

  Frankenstein once

  Blew his nose;

  Lost his head and

  Half his toes!

  * * * * *

  Nose toes…

  Frankenstein needs

  Extra toes;

  Uses them to

  Pick his nose!

  * * * * *

  Werewolf worries…

  If you think his

  Bark is bad;

  Wait’ll you smell

  That gas he had!

  * * * * *

  Vampire breath…

  Werewolf gas and

  Vampire breath;

  Might just “smell” you

  Half to death!

  * * * * *

  You might be a zombie if…

  Hair falls out

  And bad B.O.

  Nails that will

  No longer grow…

  * * * * *

  Puzzling pee…

  How many times

  Do zombies pee?

  Something that

  Still puzzles me!

  * * * * *

  Running start…

  If you hear

  A werewolf fart;

  Better get

  A running start!

  * * * * *

  Beware wolf…

  Here is someone

  To avoid:

  Werewolf with

  A hemorrhoid!

  * * * * *

  Ghost tip…

  Here’s a ghost tip,

  You’ll find neat:

  Before they fart,

  They lift their sheet!

  * * * * *

  Vampire vapors…

  Oh, what vapors

  Will escape;

  When Dracula

  Lifts up his cape!

  * * * * *

  Mummy tummy…

  Oh the smells,

  That will resume;

  When mummy opens

  Up his tomb!

  * * * * *

  That’s a wrap…

  Mummy wraps are

  Rather handy;

  After they

  Digest their candy!

  * * * * *

  King Toot…

  Oh the toots

  That left King Tut;

  When they first

  Unwrapped his butt!

  * * * * *

  Which witch…

  Witches may

  Fair maidens be;

  But belch and fart

  Quite merrily!

  * * * * *

  Stand clear…

  Mummies poop

  But once a year;

  So when they do

  Best to stand clear!

  * * * * *

  The werewolf did it…

  I waited till

  The werewolf roared;

  To cover up

  Those farts I stored!

  * * * * *

  Good goblin…

  Good to have a

  Friendly goblin;

  Pick your nose and

  Wipe it on ‘em!

  * * * * *

  Bigger boogers…

  Goblin mask

  Sits on the shelf;

  Made from boogers

  I picked myself!

  * * * * *

  I’d rather snot…

  Take a bath?

  In water hot?

  Mother dear,

  I’d rather snot!

  * * * * *

  When witches go shopping…

  Spider legs and

  Warts that hiss;

  Just a witch’s

  Shopping list!

  * * * * *

  Graveyard trembles…

  Zombie in a

  Tattered suit;

  Graveyard trembles

  With each toot!

  * * * * *

  Goblins poo…

  Goblins poo and

  Werewolves, too;

  Tell me true:

  Don’t you, too?!?

  * * * * *

  Out of order…

  Werewolf’s patience,

  Growing shorter;

  Bathroom sign says,

  “Out of order!”

  * * * * *

  When you have to go…

  The bathroom’s haunted,

  With ghosts aglow;

  But I really, really

  HAVE to go!

  * * * * *

  For the mummy…

  For the mummy,

  You will shout;

  When toilet paper

  All runs out!

  * * * * *

  Monster Party…

  This Monster Party,

  I must escape;

  Blew my nose in

  Dracula’s cape!

  * * * * *

 

  Mummy farts…

  Mummy farts,

  Are just the worst;

  When ancient butt cheeks

  Almost burst!

  * * * * *

  Mummy snot…

  Those aren’t fossils,

  That you got;

  Just petrified

  Mummy snot!

  * * * * *

  Another stitch…

  Frankenstein’s

  Nose did itch;

  Squeezed and
blew

  Another stitch!

  * * * * *

  Like you and me…

  Mummies are just

  Like you and me;

  Except we’re not

  Covered in TP!

  * * * * *

  Werewolf waiting…

  Werewolf in

  The waiting room;

  Sat upon a

  Witch’s broom!

  * * * * *

  Hold your breath…

  Hold your breath

  Until you burst;

  Hope Wolfman’s gas

  Won’t kill you first!

  * * * * *

  Sonic bum boom…

  That was not

  A sonic boom;

  (But goblin gas

  Sure clears a room!)

  * * * * *

  Noisy neighbor…

  Werewolf moved in

  Right next door;

  Keeps us up nights

  With his roar!

  * * * * *

  Dear Wolfman…

  Dear Wolfman

  I beg of thee:

  Point those farts

  Away from me!

  * * * * *

  Powerful potion…

  Skin of green and

  Scales so itchy;

  Drank a potion

  From a witchy!

  * * * * *

  Boo Beans…

  Monster Party

  Didn’t last;

  Ghost’s “Boo Beans”

  Gave them gas!

  * * * * *

  Our vampire lacks…

  Putrid punch and

  Moldy snacks;

  Cooking skills

  Our vampire lacks.

  * * * * *

  Boogers green…

  Snot so bright and

  Boogers green;

  Finest sneeze

  I’ve ever seen!

  * * * * *

  Bus fuss…

  Windshield wipers,

  Smeared with puss;

  Witch ran into

  Our school bus!

  * * * * *

  Vampire menu…

  Heart soufflé and

  Bloody Mary;

  Vampire menu

  Just got scary!

  * * * * *

  Bonus Chapter:

  31 Spooky Ways to Bring Halloween Poems to Life!